Cold Truths

I have been sick for three days. One day I actually had booked off work to try and curb getting sick but I got suckered anyway. I took two more days off work. I hate that and I find it is happening often. This time it was a complete throat attack that even my landlord heard as I hacked away at night. So I took my drugs (yeah for tylenol and benelyn!), drank my tea and slept - A LOT - like 15 hours in a stretch alot. At the end of day three I am finally getting rid of the fuzziness in my brain. I managed to get out of my PJs and into the shower. I even made it out of the house - mainly because I needed food and my fridge is empty.

The thing about being sick and trapped at home in a semi-concious state is that you do a lot of thinking. My mind has been bothering me these days. There are too many things from the past, hopes for the future, and moments trapped in the present that are swimming around in my brain and driving me crazy. And I really don't have time to be crazy. I need to be directed. I need to be motivated. I need to be productive. I need to be building a life to somewhere, of something, and I am not. I am being complacent. I am being easily lulled into just being and I'm not really going anywhere anymore. I think I have hit a wall.

Almost two years ago this wall was an okay place to rest. It was a necessary stop at the time. I made some strong and good choices for then. But now? Now they are not doing what I need them to do. I need to find some new things. One of these things is my brother's children. I feel a pull to be around them that I don't even understand. I feel a desire to be important to their lives and I don't have forever to do that. At least not in this way - while they are young and developing. And so I know that moving myself closer to them is in the cards ... soon.

My mind has also been going nutty over my non-existent romantic life. Always a theme on this blog, I understand how pathetic it can sound for a great woman (which I am) to worry (obsess?) so much about this aspect of her life. But I do. I always have. The last time I remember being truly free and directed in my life was before I bothered to care about boys. I used to be this FORCE in the world and I honestly walked with a confidence that was probably intimidating for a 13-year-old. But now that direction is easily converted and the confidence is less than sincere (all the time). And I have taken to drunken ramblings that are less-than-attractive and I don't want that to be me. That isn't really me. It's my fear. It's a fear based in a history that I give power to and struggle to overcome. It is a fear that I perpetuate by never fighting in the first place for what I deserve. And it's a fear that is maintained by settling and wishing but never pushing and doing.

So on the third day of being sick (and overslept and medicated) I end up watching "Private Practice" and listening to Addison talk about how a woman should have everything in her life. She should have the life she deserves. I deserve an awesome life. I have built some of it so far ... now I need to remember, to fight, to push myself to keep going. And I WILL have it all.