Cold Truths

I have been sick for three days. One day I actually had booked off work to try and curb getting sick but I got suckered anyway. I took two more days off work. I hate that and I find it is happening often. This time it was a complete throat attack that even my landlord heard as I hacked away at night. So I took my drugs (yeah for tylenol and benelyn!), drank my tea and slept - A LOT - like 15 hours in a stretch alot. At the end of day three I am finally getting rid of the fuzziness in my brain. I managed to get out of my PJs and into the shower. I even made it out of the house - mainly because I needed food and my fridge is empty.

The thing about being sick and trapped at home in a semi-concious state is that you do a lot of thinking. My mind has been bothering me these days. There are too many things from the past, hopes for the future, and moments trapped in the present that are swimming around in my brain and driving me crazy. And I really don't have time to be crazy. I need to be directed. I need to be motivated. I need to be productive. I need to be building a life to somewhere, of something, and I am not. I am being complacent. I am being easily lulled into just being and I'm not really going anywhere anymore. I think I have hit a wall.

Almost two years ago this wall was an okay place to rest. It was a necessary stop at the time. I made some strong and good choices for then. But now? Now they are not doing what I need them to do. I need to find some new things. One of these things is my brother's children. I feel a pull to be around them that I don't even understand. I feel a desire to be important to their lives and I don't have forever to do that. At least not in this way - while they are young and developing. And so I know that moving myself closer to them is in the cards ... soon.

My mind has also been going nutty over my non-existent romantic life. Always a theme on this blog, I understand how pathetic it can sound for a great woman (which I am) to worry (obsess?) so much about this aspect of her life. But I do. I always have. The last time I remember being truly free and directed in my life was before I bothered to care about boys. I used to be this FORCE in the world and I honestly walked with a confidence that was probably intimidating for a 13-year-old. But now that direction is easily converted and the confidence is less than sincere (all the time). And I have taken to drunken ramblings that are less-than-attractive and I don't want that to be me. That isn't really me. It's my fear. It's a fear based in a history that I give power to and struggle to overcome. It is a fear that I perpetuate by never fighting in the first place for what I deserve. And it's a fear that is maintained by settling and wishing but never pushing and doing.

So on the third day of being sick (and overslept and medicated) I end up watching "Private Practice" and listening to Addison talk about how a woman should have everything in her life. She should have the life she deserves. I deserve an awesome life. I have built some of it so far ... now I need to remember, to fight, to push myself to keep going. And I WILL have it all.

No Cycle Blog - Sick Day

Yesterday's ride ended in a wheezing and coughing fit that lasted all day and got worse as the hours went by. By 9pm I was a mucus mess with a mild fever and aching bones. So I called off the ride for today thinking that 0-degree exercise at 6am was not the best thing for me. Wade's response was that this was to be expected. It was inevitable that I would get sick as my body adjusted. THIS is the hard part. I need to eat well, sleep lots and be ready to go back out in a few days. Don't quit. Just fight. Well, the sleeping thing isn't a problem because it's ALL I want to do - even though I have a major assignment to write. But the clogged throat, foggy brain and wrecked body are definately not enjoyable. Let's see how long I last.

Cycle Blog - Day 6

Monday morning and back on the bike. We took the weekend off because, really, who wants to cycle THAT early on the weekends? A girl has got to get her beauty rest. Or at least sleep off her hangover! Of course the weekend's festivities made this morning's push a bit harder on the body. I had to stop mid-hill and just collect myself at one point. Damn weak legs. Damn wine on saturday! And the cold air has caused my lungs to rebel with a mucus-y cough that is less than pleasant. But I made it out with my fleece headband to keep my ears warm which was a very good idea. A new week is a new start.

Masked Mayhem

Halloween has never been a big part of my adult life. I have many memories from childhood of homemade costumes (big enough to fit over a snowsuit) and pillow cases. I remember being an early teen in those last days of trick-or-treating when the social hike through the dark streets was about getting to the houses that handed out pop. But as I got older this dark event faded out of relevancy. I never had a group of friends that was INTO costume parties. So in the last 10 years I have probably dressed up 4 times - 3 of those being my time out in Halifax. But this yeare was a big one!!


This year my friend Wade decided that he was tired of never having a real costume party experience either. He wanted to host an event that was not a stop-over on the way to the bar. He wanted to host a masked event that would let people be someone other than themselves for the night. And so we planned a Masquerade Party for Saturday night and went all out. Seriously, it has been 3 weeks of costume ideas and shopping and sewing. But the results were (obviously) awesome.

I chose to go big this year and actual buy a real costume since I had gotten my hands on a cheap wig. So Marie Antoinette was born. I knew that most gals go the sexy route for Halloween (been there) and I wanted to do something a bit different. I wanted the flirty edge but not so obvious. I had actually seen the costume online and when I found it in a shop here I knew what to do! (Of course I will likely be M.A. for may Halloween's to come!)

And it was SO much fun. The day was spent getting the decorations done and the last minute running around that always takes longer than you think it will. I was tired by 7pm I didn't think I would be able to party at all. Thank you Red Bull. The crowd was smaller than the Sexy Back party but the spirits were all in the right places and the masked mayhem was marvelous. Once again my friends (and their friends) prove to be one of the best things about my life right now and I am so lucky to have their energy and support (even when I am drunkenly yelling about the lack of wine or trying to cook the hangover breakfast). Happy Halloween Everyone!

Cycle Blog - Day 5

Today was the first "BRRRRRR" day of the season. I opened my door to realize I needed more clothes ... and gloves. There was frost on the ground. My throat is trying to recovering from huffing and puffing the 0-degree air. But the cycling was good. Figuring out how to use my bike gears has helped immensely. Finding the way to work a tool makes it easier to get what you want out of that tool - and I guess the same can be said for the body. I don't feel like throwing up the ENTIRE time anymore. Today we took a different route. Did a few more hills. Cycled two laps on Young Ave. where the million-dollar homes look like castles. It was a good morning. And although my legs were all wobbly in the end I felt good. To quote Elle Woods from Legally Blonde: "Exercise produces endorphines. Endorphines make you happy. Happy people don't kill their husbands." And not that I was contemplating anything sinister (I am a bit loopy from tiredness this week), I am understanding the happy part.

Good Gossip

At any given time in a TV season there is a teen-soap that gets everyone hooked. This year that show HAS to be "Gossip Girl". It is my new addiction. Admittedly I watch it on broadband rather than cable but I still hate to miss it. In fact, this week I began to crave it and couldn't wait until Wednesday morning when the episode was available online. So I'm sure you're thinking - what's the deal? Well, to begin you have to let loose any TV-snobbery about the teen-soap genre and you have to be willing to embrace the ludricracy of rich kids acting like adults. (This should not be so hard for any 90210 or OC fans of the past.)

The show is based on a series of books - the first of which was called Gossip Girl - published in 2002 and spawning 11 sequels (so far). Since then the books have been criticized for their decadence and potential inappropriateness for a young audience and the TV show appears to follow the same thread as CTV posts a mature audience warning on the episodes. So maybe it is not the best show for the age it portrays - but for the rest of us the decadence, deceipt, and debauchery make for perfect pulp viewing.

The show centers around Serena Van der Woodsen (the charming Blake Lively from the Sisterhood films) as a rich girl recently returned from boarding school after an abrupt departure. Her best friend - Blair Waldorf - is not so enthused to have her back particularly because Blair's boyfriend - Nate Archibald - seems a little too enthused. Enter into the mix Nate's smarmy friend Chuck and the requisite poor kids - Dan & Jenny Humphrey and the school shenanigans begin. Personally I am loving the budding relationship between Dan and Serena - portrayed by two winning young actors. And I am enjoying Jenny's challenge to the status system while still managing to play the game. And of course I like the fashion.

Also on the scene are the parents with histories, secrets and romances of their own to occupy their time (leaving more room for 'the kids' to run wild!) Notably the show brings Kelly Rutherford (ex-Melrose vixen) and Matthew Settle (ex-eye candy from a I Know What You Did Last Summer sequel - and still hot!) into their new station as TV parents of precocious teens. So the show is soapy and stylish and smart and even sweet at times. Narrated by the wonderful Kristen Bell (go V. Mars!) the show offers a fluffy respite from anything important. Can't wait to see what happens next. XOXO

Cycle Blog - Day 4

The temperature has dropped ... only 8 degrees this morning. Wade goes easy on me today. We avoid two of the "death" hills. But I am in a good mood. I am working on staying positive. I have realized that I have to ignore where he is and just do my thing. I had a good climb on the long grade this morning and didn't whine once going up. And although my legs felt like jelly doing the step-ups, I am getting better and working the bike gears so they don't feel like jelly ALL the time.

Cycle Blog - Day 3

Woke up late. Damn power outage meant I had to reset my clock last night and leave it to me to set the alarm for 6pm!!! FUCK - FUCK - FUCK! So I get to Wade's for 7am - a half hour late - and we don't have time to ride today. The air is warm (17 degrees) and everything is wet from the evening rain. We do a half hour walk - feels really good - can feel my leg muscles getting weak. Not as strenous as the cycling but a nice day three reprieve.

Cycle Blog - Day 2

It was easier to get up today ... probably because I went to bed at 11pm instead of 2am! The air was full of water but the bulk of the fog had lifted. By the time we got to the park and Wade had put me through our step-up exercises on the picnic table the sun had broken the horizon and the world was brighter. My mind is working against me. I loathe the hills and got stuck twice. My thighs feel powerless. My chest is burning and I can't catch my breath. Day two sucks. But I did it.

Cycle Blog - Day 1

A new series on my blog begins today. I have committed to a plan to cycle in the mornings with my friend Wade. He has promised to be my "coach" so I can actually be active. This plan entails riding a bike for an hour+ starting at 6:30AM. I haven't been on a bike for any length of time since 2001. This mini-blog will track the progress of this endeavour (place your bets now!).

Today was the start. It was still black when we hit the streets and only a sliver of gold & crimson was on the water when we got to the shore at Point Pleasant. I had trouble with the gears. And my chest burned. When I had to sprint down Young Avenue my legs ached. At the end of the ride my body was humming. It was humming jelly. And when I stepped off the bike my right leg almost gave out completely. Apparently I only got a 30-min warmup and about 10 mins of actual exercise accomplished today. But it was a start.

The Boys

I have two friends in Halifax that deserve some attention. They are my boys. (I am sure you have seen them sprinkled throughout the photos on this site.) Honestly it was only through the randomness of my often-ill-conceived-decision-making that we have made it this far. That and the fact that we really like each other. We eat good food, go to plays, watch football games and movies. We throw kickass parties and enjoy spontaneous late nights. We built a bar and rebuilt some wardrobe choices. Wade fixes my car and gives me tough-love reality checks. Ash enables my CFL-addiction and reminds me of my awesomeness.

I consider myself lucky because beyond all the "fun" they are genuinely kind, understanding and helpful guys. I am not always the easiest person to be friends with and they have survived the last two years to reward me with warm hearts and support (only occassionally sarcasm-tinged). So this is my shout-out to Ash & Wade. Because the beauty of having a blog is that you can share your narcissism with your friends!

Pumpkin Princess

Every year my brother and sis-in-law take the kids to the pumpkin farm. Last year there was only Tag. This year Maebe gets to go for the visit. It's funny that the two of them have such different personalities. Tag is a cheeky monkey and was always a camera star. Maebe has the introspective and contemplative look about her. She also still has all that crazy hair which I think is the cutest thing ever!


I must admit to missing the little munchkins although I barely know them. It is an interesting feeling to feel so drawn to something without any long-standing context to back up the desire. But whenever I see pictures of them I just want to hop on a plane and go hug them. I guess that makes me a typical aunt. And I guess it's easy to be so gushy because I don't see them at their worst. But I know I would love them anyway. Tag and Maebe are the true bounty of my Thanksgiving and they are the best treats for my Halloween.

Personality DNA

I found this fun personality review online and thought I would share the results. I think it paints a rather good picture of me and some of my weaknesses. What do you think?

I am a Creator

Imagination, confidence, willingness to explore, and appreciation of beauty make you a CREATOR.

Independent, and you enjoy self-sufficiency.

Defying convention, you are very innovative, and have a vivid imagination.

The look of things is important to you, and you have a keen eye for aesthetic beauty in multiple arenas.

You have a strong interest in what is new and exciting—and that includes forging ahead with new ideas, not simply discovering what is already out there.

Your eagerness to seek new and varied experiences leads you into many different situations.

You're not set on one way of doing things, and you are creative when it comes to finding novel solutions to complex problems.

You trust yourself to be innovative and resourceful.

Your confidence allows you to take your general awareness and channel it into creativity.

You are balanced in your approach to problem-solving, not letting your emotions hold you up.

You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.

You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation - friends may even seek your style advice from time to time.

If you want to be different:
Appreciate the earthly, practical elements of things—there is beauty in form as well.

While you are good at thinking abstractly, focusing on details a bit more may help you discover things about the world.


HOW YOU RELATE TO OTHERS
You are Free-Wheeling

Your charismatic nature, liveliness, and independence make you FREE-WHEELING.

You don't mind being in the spotlight, preferring social gatherings to quiet nights at home.

You take a practical approach to people, not getting too involved in their feelings—or their business.

At the same time, your acceptance of others leads you to be understanding of their life circumstances, even if you don't quite understand their emotional reactions to some things.

Although you have a wide circle of friends, you're very discerning as to whom you can trust.

You're not rigid in your beliefs about the world, and you don't want to impose your perspective on others, but at the same time, you know that plenty of people don't always act responsibly.

Engaging with others is a large part of how you live in the world, and most importantly, it plays a role in how you see yourself—you tend to learn a lot about yourself in situations where you are with other people.

You have an understanding of the complexities of situations, and you don't judge others too hastily.

If you want to be different:
Your open-mindedness about the world gives you a great perspective on things, but your lack of trust in others limits how close you can get with them. Try opening up to people a bit more without losing your healthy skepticism.

While being the life of the party will occasionally come naturally to you, be sure to reserve time for yourself—see what you can learn by spending some time observing the world rather than just by diving in.

If you would like to try your own test go here.

A Frustration

I am having a crisis of focus these days. It is a haunting annoyance in the back of my brain that is drowning out my rationality. This is nothing to new to me. I have faced this all of my life and I have yet to figure out how to make it go away. I admit that I don't think it will go away - I will just have to get better at dealing with it. But this is the problem, as I get older I have more things in my mind that require solid attention. I don't have the luxury of being a kid with all its free mental time to devote to this ailment. What is it that tortures me so? It is infatuation. It is my crushing-ness on the man-candy. It is that useless, day-dreaming-ness that vascilates between tickling my mind and kicking my ass. What's a girl to do?

A New Mantra

Play it a little cool.
Be Nice.
Remember that you are already gorgeous.