To Day

Today was a mild roller coaster of sulkiness and sunniness. The last three days have been lonely ones - my on-my-own-adrenaline finally evaporating. I really hate these in between moments of moving when you don't have any consistent social contact - it's an empty feeling. Luckily (pathetically?) I have been filling that emptiness with TV rather than food. In the space of chocolate I have ingested the last seasons of both Friends and Dawson's Creek - thanks TBS. The only downfall of this plan was being subjected to multiple storylines of people that are meant to be together.

Today started on an optimistic note as I had a meeting with the local office of a youth organization I had worked for in the past. I was actually excited at the opportunity to work for a bit, help out the organization and an old friend, and maybe make some coin. But as the discussion went on, I realized that much in the organization had changed and then it happened ... that stabbing feeling of inadequacy appeared. The doubt that I could do the job. The idea that I was a fraud all along and if I took on too much this time my failings would be exposed. Where the hell did that come from? Needless to say, it knocked me off my game a bit. The feeling wasn't helped as my friend recounted her recent successes (professionally, academically, socially) and my mind wandered into that nasty bog of comparison. Why do I do that?

I was on such a high a couple of months ago. I had finally completed my undergraduate degree and felt as though that particular self-inflicted albatross had been cut loose. And now, in the first moments of alone-ness and new-town confusion I am back to thinking I'm not as good as others. WTF? Cause really, it's not true.

So I walked. And walked. I went to the harbour where the Busker Festival was happening (note to Mitch...you should totally come to HFX for this someday!) and saw a man thread himself through the hole in a squash racquet. And then I continued to walk down the boardwalk. And the sun was shining. I shopped for over-priced jewelery. I watched glass blowers at Nova Scotia Crystal. I saw the sea gulls swarm in the path of the ferries. And the world got big and full of wonder again.

I am alone (in more ways than I really want) at the moment. But I've been here before and it always ends. But today was just a hard one. Oh, and all that walking? Did it in flip-flops and now I have shin splint pain. Damn.