Fear and Felicity

In two days the school year begins. And, truth be told, I am terrified. All of my excitement has been sapped and I am left with a hollow fear about what is to come. Part of it is the normal, back to "the grind" apprehension that everyone feels at this time of year. Part of it is nervousness about the upcoming challenge and unknown expectations. But a big part of it is actual fear about the future. I've been having moments of panic over where my life is going, the choices I'm making, my lack of passion about anything. Anytime someone asks me about my "research interests" I want to run in inadequate despair beacause, frankly, I haven't a clear clue ... yet. And I want some help in figuring out this puzzle that is to be my life, but then i feel like a fool for wanting such guidance when a part of me feels that "as an adult" I should be able to do this on my own. So this weekend, the last one before classes commence, I hid. I rented the final season of "Felicity" and spent 22 hours in my apartment in the life of someone else. And you know what? It helped.

I know that everyone is not a "Felicity" fan, but always have been. I am a sucker for chick melodrama and when Felicity begin in the late 90s it quickly became a favourite of mine. However, I missed the last season and hadn't thought about it until I caught a few episodes showing on the W channel on Sunday afternoons. So, when I was staring at the box set wall at Video Difference on Friday night, the story of Felicity, Noel and Ben seemed like a good choice. I was really renting it for the romance fix but it became much more.

In her final year of college, Felicity is facing a life crisis. What should she study? What should she become? Who is she going to be? And although I'm 8 years past the mark of usually making those decisions ... they are very present in my life these days. I have NO idea if I am in the "right" program. So watching a character articulate my struggle brought to my concerns to the surface and it was hard not to cry in my empty apartment. And as Noel goes through his depression over a life that appears to be unravelling, it was easy to say ... I've been there. Okay, so it's kinda sad that I find comforting parallels in a teen soap, but I've always been a tad to affected by entertainment models of life - it is one of my tragic flaws I guess. So my romantic fix selection was becoming a depressing affirmation of my fear and then then I got into the last few episodes.

The "Felicity" series ended with an interesting twist of her going back in time to relive life if she had chosen the other guy. Like all such tales, the show opts for the romantic meant-to-be ending but offers a solid story arc of the importance of letting go. This part of the show also echoed something in my life these past few months. See, recently I was positive that I had (maybe) realized who my Ben was thanks to my romcom-fueled imagination. But I realized that my Ben hasn't arrived yet, and that so far it is only Noels that I have in my life - good, life-long friends. That moment of clarity made me smile.

By the end of the series I was feeling fine. My bones were a bit sore from the hours curled up in my one chair, but inside I felt good. I have NO idea what will come next. I am afraid all the time these days. And if I had a "Felicity" time-travel storyline it would be to the moment I left school and I would have finished it and had my life-decision anxiety at 21 instead. But that's not what I did, and I am not the only one who doesn't have a plan. And although the wide-expanse that is the future is scary today, I know that it will become exciting again soon enough. And in those moments when I just can't face it, well, that's what DVD box sets are for, right?