"If you don't articulate your conscious desires, your unconscious patterns will come true."
So what do I do? What job do I try to find? Should I do my phd? When? Where? Do I move to Ontario? Do I stay in Halifax? Do I work in management consulting? Do I try to get some teaching experience? Do I stay doing what I'm doing?
I am feeling so completely lost right now. I have three months to build a plan. Three months to decision time. I had made up my mind to leave my job, finish school and move to Ontario to be close to family. I needed to do this to motivate myself to make a change. To push me out of inertia. But now that the school is done I find myself wondering if the decision that made me move is really a decision TO move. And I am feeling (as Nat rightly intuited - smart girl that one!) that my fear over the phd has subsided now that the stress of the master's paper is over.
But what does that mean? The earliest a phd could begin would be September 2009. So do I want to start it now? I had almost convinced myself that some work experience beforehand would be an asset (it would be) but if I go to work now, will I ever go back to school? And I feel like I am running out of time. If I start a phd then I will be 38 when its done ... what does that mean for equity-building, a relationship, children? What does it mean if I don't do it? Will I be further ahead or farther behind? How does one decide?
So here I sit on a sunny day trying to take control of my life and finding it to be a slippery bar of soap that I keep dropping. Which brings me back to that scarily accurate horoscope line. I guess this means I have to write out what I WANT lest my fear, inertia and indecision return to take me on another detour.
4 comments:
I think you know what I would say...
Seriously though, I didn't even know you were thinking of doing a PhD. What is your goal there? What kind of job do you want to end up having, and is that going to get you there?
Also, I hate that "If I don't do it now, I may never do it" argument. If you never end up doing it, it will be for good reason, so don't let that be a reason. If you want to do it, do it. That's all.
Try not to worry about the what ifs and should have would haves if you can... Hell I still worry about that stuff heh.. but I try not to let it get me down or worry me too much.. When I think back to what I have done.. its alot! :) and yeah I never married or had children.. but I have you guys and I have Tag and Maebe and Mathilda.. and I have my friends and the most awesome family that love me very much no matter what.. :)
Love you so much and I'm so very proud of you no matter where you wind up.. Phd or not :P
Aunty A xoxoxo
You'll figure it all out now that you've got a bit of perspective. Call me for a chat once you've made your list!
I think you should write down your different possible "choices" and put them in a hat. Pick one out of the hat, as if that is definitely what you have to do. If you look at the "choice" you picked and it feels like a relief, and you feel good that you picked that one, then that's the one. If you are disappointed, then that is definitely not the one, throw it out and keep picking until you get the one that feels right.
Post a Comment