Last August I was living with my kick-ass roommate, Anna, in Nova Scotia. I was revelling in my second summer with The Boyfriend. My job was chaotic and exhausting but secure and rewarding. The biggest thing on my mind was how to best navigate The Boyfriend's shift work schedule to spend together and hopefully secure a date for "moving in together".
Fast Forward...Here I am living in Canada's biggest smoke: Toronto. Work is consistent and interesting but only guaranteed until November. There is commuting now. The Boyfriend has left his east coast life and job behind and we are cozily established in probably the bestest rental house one could find.
It has been a whirlwhind of change that has been going non-stop for a year. Organizational change at my job started it all. Then I changed jobs on a very tight timeline. I have moved 3 times in the last 12 months. I left behind an entire section of my life experience and have been working at reclaiming a space in a whole other part. Relationship transition. Schedule changes. Health differences. An overall switch in perspective about the future. Whew! See that smile above? It isn't around as much anymore.
My breath has been stolen by the sheer momentum of life this year. As if I have been caught in a windstorm and the air in my lungs has been pulled out of me and carried away on a gust of some larger force.
My breath has been supressed under the weight of major transitions. As if I am underwater and I am unable to surface from the deluge of decisions and directions that must be considered.
My breath has escaped me in anxious gasps that never halt the unending stream of "what ifs?" rising in my chest each day.
My has breath has become trapped inside a glass cage that prevents me from enjoying the moments I am living. I can see the roses but I sure haven't been smelling them.
But recently some space seemed to open up. Some breathing space. So I need to stop moving so that I can catch it. I need to push up out of the water and inhale a fresh view. I need to relax my mind and count to 10. I need to take some time to absorb the present and the sweet perfume it brings.
It is not going to be easy. I realized this weekend that I have not been able to have a single dinner with The Boyfriend without turning it into a planning session. That sort of thing has to stop. It's time to just take a breath.
2 comments:
it is so important to stop and just soak it up.
this past weekend in your awesome house reminded me that my husband is a great guy and we are madly in love - funny how easy it is to brush all the under the carpet when the stress of everyday life takes over.
so thank you for sharing your abode with us and I hope you are able to regroup and relax and all that good stuff.
I to find it hard to breathe sometimes. Kevin laughs because that has become my mantra of late. to any one, to myself "Just breathe and then we will deal with whatever." I love your honesty, and I want you to know you are never alone. Love ya
Nicole
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