Pretty Much Dark Days

Yesterday was a brutal day. One of my toughest days so far in my typical cycle of monthly sadness. It was enough to ruin my work day. But the worst part was the overwhelming feeling of being trapped in an emotion that I did not want to feel. I was stymied with frustration over the spacey-ness that I was fighting and the zoned-out situation I was useless to shake off. Yikes! What was wrong with me?

PMS has been the norm in my life. Crippling cramps and monthly anemia are nothing new. I will even admit to the regular bouts of emotion and some aggressive food cravings. But lately it has been worse. I stopped my regular birth control routine when my relationship hit a long-distance phase. That is when it all began in earnest. The last five months have been like nothing I have experience since the early days of this whole "womanhood thing". My body took the opportunity to revert to its "natural" rhythms and the results were challenging. I have been experiencing me - sans hormonal control - for the first extended period in over a decade. And you know what? My hormones suck! The last few months I have had an increasing number of dramatic symptoms. The pain is more pronounced. The depths are deeper. The mental paralysis lasts longer.

It only took a bit of Google-time to find some good information about PMDD. Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder is:
"a hormonal brain-biochemistry problem that results in mood and behavioral distress. Two brain areas are affected:

The limbic area is responsible for memory, appetite, sleep, and strong emotions such as rage, anger, and aggression.

The cortex area affects a person’s judgment, attention, concentration, moods, perceptions, views, and interpretations of what is happening to them and around them.

Even though premenstrual women may be quite uncomfortable with headaches, cramps, tender breasts, or other symptoms, this is not PMDD. PMDD is only diagnosed when there are cyclical mood and behavioural changes which affect relationships and day-to-day functioning." (source)

I had heard about PMDD before but did not feel that my regular PMS symptoms applied. but now I fit the description to a T! More importantly, my life, work and relationship were being affected by the situation. I sat down and did some reflection. I looked back over the past few months to identify the trends in my behaviour and check for patterns in my emotions. They are clearly evident. Heck, a perusal of the blog archives will show a constant roller coaster of posts with a negative spin near the same time each month. It's called a cycle for a reason.

After adding up all the historical dates I found that was feeling/acting/contributing in TOP form for only 6-10 days a month! I have been hobbled to a quarter of my capacity! The rest of the time I am fighting through an emotional haze or tackling crippling pains. I know those days when I feel invincible and I would like to have more of them.

So going back on a birth control regimen will help. It may be a fraud of nature but it definately feels more even. Next steps are eating right (avoiding sugars is really important for me - save that for another post!) and consistent exercise. Yes, it always comes back to those two things, doesn't it?! Perhaps if I can show myself that food and exercise are aspects of my life that will help to mitigate the symptoms - that I can "cure" myself with those healthy choices - then maybe I can beat back some of the darker days.