Reminder Notice: My Guy is Awesome

A couple of weeks ago I went out for dinner with my boyfriend. We had spent the day doing things that we loved (I gardened, he cycled) and late that evening we put on some nice clothes and went for a schmancy dinner together. We went to one of my favourite restaurants that makes mouth-watering goodies of all kinds. It is an instant YUM! place. I had wanted to do this dinner together as a moving celebration - but it never happened. So I thought we could do it for our anniversay - never happened. But that night - it happened - and I sat across the flickering candle light from my beau I had to smile.

My guy really is a most excellent man. His patience and kindness and love of me constantly amazes. I feel good around him - even when I feel my most useless in regard to the rest of the world. Those are nice feelings. But sometimes when I think of those feelings I can get made at myself for being a bad girlfriend. You see, I get anxiety over being a frustrated partner sometimes. I hate that I can be a negative nelly more than I want to be and yet it persists. Anyone who has met my boyfriend comments on his easy-going and welcoming nature. They will say: "How can anyone NOT like him?" Which means he is pretty awesome, no?

So why do I find myself focusing on the non-awesome? Why do I blanche at his tardiness rather than relish his carefree nature? Why do I bemoan his lacks in motivation and forget to celebrate his personal passions? Why do negate all the days he has done the dishes (which I loathe doing!) because of one day when they are not? Why do I complain about the forgotten toilet paper when he brought flowers back from the store?

I seem to have fallen into a trap and become that girl who never sees the good things. And then I go out for dinner and see the smile in my guy's eyes and I can't remember what I was worried about. Sometimes when I let my over-thinking get too far I will spew out a bunch of pent-up concerns and he will listen, calmly, and then tell me it will be alright. There is a plan. He will be there. How great is that?

I know that, overall, I am struggling with finding my relationship identity and that most of these stresses emerge from my own mind trying to reconcile with what I think should be happening with what is happening. I feel the need sometimes to shake my head free of the romantic notions swirling around and whispering to me that "a good relationship is...", "partnership means...", "the right man will..." when those constructs aren't real to the man I love and the partnership we are creating.

And so I try to be more positive about it all. To trust it more. To be able to enjoy a fabulous dinner with a special man who: does the dishes because I don't want to; wants to make our dreams come true; buys flowers for our home and, even though he might be late, will always be there for me.