Dear Ben

To my dearest Ben:

I guess congratulations are in order on your recent June 30th nuptuals. Yay! for not freaking out this time and actually making it to the alter. It appears that things are going well for you. The limited press coverage of your current relationship (and impending parenthood) are sure signs that you have something positive in your life. Vultures only hover around disaster and decay afterall.

I must say that I am a tad disappointed that you could not wait for me. I was here all the time. A full decade of devotion I gave you. I stood by you through the Gwyneth phase. I supported your attempts at "serious acting". I defended your pre-emptive rehab stint. I could still see the real you during the JLo debacle. I solidly declared you the "next Harrison Ford". So as I sit here typing this in my "Ben's Future Girlfriend" Tshirt, it is sad to say that future is no more. sigh.....

So good luck to you Benji. I will always have found memories of crushing on you in your wild, single days. Just be a good husband and a good father so I don't have reason to hate you in the months ahead.
Sincerely, R:)