Taking a Breath

What a difference a year makes.

Last August I was living with my kick-ass roommate, Anna, in Nova Scotia. I was revelling in my second summer with The Boyfriend. My job was chaotic and exhausting but secure and rewarding. The biggest thing on my mind was how to best navigate The Boyfriend's shift work schedule to spend together and hopefully secure a date for "moving in together".

Fast Forward...

Here I am living in Canada's biggest smoke: Toronto. Work is consistent and interesting but only guaranteed until November. There is commuting now. The Boyfriend has left his east coast life and job behind and we are cozily established in probably the bestest rental house one could find.

It has been a whirlwhind of change that has been going non-stop for a year. Organizational change at my job started it all. Then I changed jobs on a very tight timeline. I have moved 3 times in the last 12 months. I left behind an entire section of my life experience and have been working at reclaiming a space in a whole other part. Relationship transition. Schedule changes. Health differences. An overall switch in perspective about the future. Whew! See that smile above? It isn't around as much anymore.

My breath has been stolen by the sheer momentum of life this year. As if I have been caught in a windstorm and the air in my lungs has been pulled out of me and carried away on a gust of some larger force.

My breath has been supressed under the weight of major transitions. As if I am underwater and I am unable to surface from the deluge of decisions and directions that must be considered.

My breath has escaped me in anxious gasps that never halt the unending stream of "what ifs?" rising in my chest each day.

My has breath has become trapped inside a glass cage that prevents me from enjoying the moments I am living. I can see the roses but I sure haven't been smelling them.

But recently some space seemed to open up. Some breathing space. So I need to stop moving so that I can catch it. I need to push up out of the water and inhale a fresh view. I need to relax my mind and count to 10. I need to take some time to absorb the present and the sweet perfume it brings.

It is not going to be easy. I realized this weekend that I have not been able to have a single dinner with The Boyfriend without turning it into a planning session. That sort of thing has to stop. It's time to just take a breath.

Pretty Much Dark Days

Yesterday was a brutal day. One of my toughest days so far in my typical cycle of monthly sadness. It was enough to ruin my work day. But the worst part was the overwhelming feeling of being trapped in an emotion that I did not want to feel. I was stymied with frustration over the spacey-ness that I was fighting and the zoned-out situation I was useless to shake off. Yikes! What was wrong with me?

PMS has been the norm in my life. Crippling cramps and monthly anemia are nothing new. I will even admit to the regular bouts of emotion and some aggressive food cravings. But lately it has been worse. I stopped my regular birth control routine when my relationship hit a long-distance phase. That is when it all began in earnest. The last five months have been like nothing I have experience since the early days of this whole "womanhood thing". My body took the opportunity to revert to its "natural" rhythms and the results were challenging. I have been experiencing me - sans hormonal control - for the first extended period in over a decade. And you know what? My hormones suck! The last few months I have had an increasing number of dramatic symptoms. The pain is more pronounced. The depths are deeper. The mental paralysis lasts longer.

It only took a bit of Google-time to find some good information about PMDD. Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder is:
"a hormonal brain-biochemistry problem that results in mood and behavioral distress. Two brain areas are affected:

The limbic area is responsible for memory, appetite, sleep, and strong emotions such as rage, anger, and aggression.

The cortex area affects a person’s judgment, attention, concentration, moods, perceptions, views, and interpretations of what is happening to them and around them.

Even though premenstrual women may be quite uncomfortable with headaches, cramps, tender breasts, or other symptoms, this is not PMDD. PMDD is only diagnosed when there are cyclical mood and behavioural changes which affect relationships and day-to-day functioning." (source)

I had heard about PMDD before but did not feel that my regular PMS symptoms applied. but now I fit the description to a T! More importantly, my life, work and relationship were being affected by the situation. I sat down and did some reflection. I looked back over the past few months to identify the trends in my behaviour and check for patterns in my emotions. They are clearly evident. Heck, a perusal of the blog archives will show a constant roller coaster of posts with a negative spin near the same time each month. It's called a cycle for a reason.

After adding up all the historical dates I found that was feeling/acting/contributing in TOP form for only 6-10 days a month! I have been hobbled to a quarter of my capacity! The rest of the time I am fighting through an emotional haze or tackling crippling pains. I know those days when I feel invincible and I would like to have more of them.

So going back on a birth control regimen will help. It may be a fraud of nature but it definately feels more even. Next steps are eating right (avoiding sugars is really important for me - save that for another post!) and consistent exercise. Yes, it always comes back to those two things, doesn't it?! Perhaps if I can show myself that food and exercise are aspects of my life that will help to mitigate the symptoms - that I can "cure" myself with those healthy choices - then maybe I can beat back some of the darker days.

Fruits of Labour

The ritual goes something like this...

Arrive home from daily commute, afternoon activity or weekend travel.
Peruse the backyard garden to uncover newly ripened gems.
Revel in the great feeling of growing my own produce.

I love this ritual. The process brightens my days immensely. The sense of sastifaction from picking home-grown vegetables is a warm fuzzy that I didn't know I was missing. And I have been favoured with consistent fruits of my labour.
The first cucumber was a surprise. It was tucked into a corner of the garden and reached maturity before we even noticed it was there! It truly felt as if it had arrived over night. The Boyfriend and I ate i that night. Sliced thin and saturated in white vinegar with a spring of fresh garden dill. What a treat. A perfectly fleshy, firm and sweet cucumber. I am now on the watch for more green delights and The Boyfriend is confident tha that the many yellow blooms will mean cuke-tastic abundance in the future.


As mentioned before, the tomatoes have gone wild. Our very own fruit of temptation, these scarlet orbs have been popping into colour in both cherry and full sizes. I had been watching the regular tomatoes slowly gather their ripe blush for tha past couple of weeks and was excited when one was finally ready to pick . In fact, it yielded with such resistance that it seemed to leap off the vine and into my eager hands.

The cherry tomato plants are now over 8-feet tall and continue to spray bunches of tomatoes in every direction. I can pick a handful of new ones each day. The Boyfriend has taken to cutting them up for juicy bruschetta. I am now addicted to tomato and basil (also from our garden and SOOOO amazing!) salads.

OH! Such succulent tastes of summer!

Aerosmith Rocks!

I went to see Aerosmith last night. I know, some of you will laugh and tell you that you are wrong. Aerosmith was amazing. Without a doubt it was one of the best concerts I have seen. It was the type of show that reminds you what rock is about. It was like riding a vibrating music cloud for two hours and I loved it.

Going to the concert also meant that I could add one more band to my "Stadium List". The Stadium List is a collection of bands that have been known to rock stadium-sized venues. The bands on my list come from the era when stadium shows were on the rise. The list to date includes:

Madonna - January 1991
Rolling Stones - December 1994
U2 - June 1997
Bon Jovi - July 2009
AC DC - August 2009
Aerosmith - August 17, 2010!

I had missed two previous opportunities to see Aerosmith so when the tickets were announced for the Toronto show I was on them fast. Even more amazing to get to see the show at all because of the mad rumors flying around this winter about Steven Tyler leaving the band. But it looks like the universe was on my side and the show was meant to be. And what a show.

It's amazing how well Steven Tyler has kept his voice and, at 62, he continues to be a charismatic rockstar. He even recovered well from a (unintentional) stage dive! Joe Perry brought the old school guitar god to the stage with skill and humor. He even had a section when he battled his own Guitar Hero persona. Once again the band shows how to remain relevant and accessible to a new generation while still maintaining their position as artists.

Yes, Aerosmith are artists and the concert showed me how much of that is lacking in current music trends. The staging was not overly elaborate and there were no crazy costumes. The band played a solid collection of hits with incredible verve and even made the in-between sections dynamic (you know, those moments when the singer needs a break? Or they play something "new and different"?) There is a reason these guys have become rock icons.

In the end it was exactly as I could have hoped. While our seats were up in the far bleachers we had a marvelous view of the full stage. The light rigging was expansive and we couldn't get any decent photos on the iphone because the lights were TOO bright and swirling everywhere. The entire experience made me think about the staying power of certain bands. Aerosmith released their first album the year I was born. My mother listened to them in the early years and I was part of the 90s youth that supported their resurgence. If I look at my "Stadium List" I see bands that have played for decades and have been able to attact an audience across generations.

Who do we have now that our kids will get to see?

Who will be playing in 2030 and we will be able to laugh at our children and say "Yeah, I saw them. They're good."

Itchy Feet

Figuratively, itchy feet mean a drive to get moving. They represent an internal need to travel that has sprung up in the toes and gotten them wiggling to go. It is a sign of a desire umet in life and a reminder signal of things yet to explore.

Literally, itchy feet just itch.


And when the itch is from feet covered in so many mosquito bites that I can't even count, the itch is intolerable. An itch that takes on a burning sensation and causes me to rake my nails over the blistering bumps. Itchy feet that have turned my baby toes into lumpy monstrosities. An itch that drove me, aching, to the drugstore to find some calamine lotion hoping it would quench the itchy thirst! It has been like this for 24hrs.

My poor (itchy) feet!

Ben is Back!

Today is Ben Affleck's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEN. I think Ben will remember 2010 as a good year for himself. It is the year that his birthday occurs amid a bit of buzz. And really, when was the last time there was buzz about Ben?

It has been 3 years since his directorial debut Gone Baby Gone garnered him actual buzz. It has been 5 years since he got some ink for his nuptials to Jennifer Garner. It has been over 6 years since the tabloid well of "Bennifer" dried up. And it has 9 years since Pearl Harbour and 12 years since he blew up in Armageddion. The man won an Oscar for screenwriting an entire teenager ago. All of that to say, there has not been a lot of bread to share at the Ben banquet in recent years.

But that is all changing this summer. This summer Ben is back. This summer Ben's latest film The Town is hitting the festival circuit and is generating buzz for Ben. His second feature as a director, this film is a make-or-break endeavour. If it goes well then Ben has a shot at being taken seriously behind the camera. His kudos for Baby will carry-over and give him a big hug of respect. (I'm not sure casting himself in the film was his best move to ensure this outcome but I cannot deny that I am happy to have him back up on the screen either.)

And Ben is bringing his buzz to TIFF in September (yes, I think I will be doing some stalking) before the film goes out for wide release. It has a great cast and that collective of talent may see Ben through. It speaks highly to him that those actors (Chris Cooper, Jeremy Renner, John Hamm, even Blake Lively - all of whom have earned raves for their work) would be involved in his project so my hopes are high.

So Happy Birthday Ben. I hope this year of your life brings you great success, if only so it means I will get to see you around more often. Cheers.

Body Bust

"You start out happy that you have no hips or boobs. All of a sudden you get them, and it feels sloppy. Then, just when you start liking them, they start drooping."
Cindy Crawford

Amen. And somewhere in the midst of all that change you will continually find yourself in a poorly lit dressing room trying to find something to bout your drooping boobs in. Such was the mission early this month. I out to find some tit-slings that would support the girls through the dog days of summer. This summer has been brutally hot and humid and not at all friendly to those with a prominent prow. But such shopping is not an easy task. Sadly, my rack is not a sturdy, free-standing shelf. It requires as much support and rigging as I can offer - neither of which wear well with little tanktop straps or floaty summer dresses. All I wanted was to be able to wear something flirty like this...

In truth, my breasts are one of my least favourite features. I find myself battling with their heft rather than embracing their abundance. I cannot find shirts that fit both my waist and my chest and so I am consistently "overly-restrained" or "annoyingly loose-fitting" when all I want is to be tailored and comfortable. The boobsie twins have never been my friends in any kind of uplifting way. And my frontal prominence has give me three addtional gifts by:

1 - shortening the look of my mid-section into a stocky rectangle
2 - creasing my backside with red eleastic mareks that ache by day's end
3 - establishing two deep divets in my shoulder line that make me look like a got cleaved in the clavicle.

Yep, it is a bona fide betrayal by breast!

But I was determined to find some new coverage and hopefully keep my ta-tas doing some ta! da!s in this sweltering season. I abandoned the mall bra boutiques long ago when I realized they served B-cups at best. I have never been able (willing?) to afford actual lingerie and am actually offended at the notion of spending over $100 on one undergarment. (Some would say that investing in a good bra is like buying a quality bed since you use it everyday so get the best one possible. I see it more akin to the shoe racket that pulls millions from women every year except that bras are not a luxury item but a functional necessity in many regards. But I digres...) I would settle for the ability to get something sensual on a budget ...


In the end my limited options led me to Sears. Ahhhh, Sears. It screams utility and evokes images of adolescent embarrassment over the entire process. But the product range is extensive, the sales are frequent and the prices are affordable. I meandered through the racks collecting an armful of different styles and a collection of sizes. I have been sized for a bra twice and neither measurement lasted out the year due to body changes so now I just wing it. I've gotten to the point where I will try anything, because you just never know and maybe the sassy look is going to be the right one...


I wish I could say it was a fun trip but instead I faced my usual challenges. How to find a bra with enough coverage and enough support with reasonably subtle straps and details. Every time I shop I am attracted to some feminine designs and follow the old advice that wearing something sexy/pretty/etc. underneath will help you feel sexy/pretty/etc. overall but my body is not built for temptation. One by one I had to say goodbye to the flirty design, the sensual design and the sassy design.

In the end I found one. All was not in vain. Perhaps the best option is to find the simplest bra that suits you. Mine ended up being navy blue with lace details, side support, lotsa elasticity and minimizing action. Nothing seductive in that description but the end result was as desired. TA! DA!