Half- Full? ... Feeling Half-Empty

So I slept in today and missed two classes. I missed two classes that I was prepared for and had assignments to hand in - both of which were complete. But I missed them. Stuck in my REM and duvet-comfiness and not out of bed on time. I am hitting the November wall. That moment near the end of the semester when everything is painful, everything is a chore, everything is something from which to hide. Time to turtle.

In truth, school is the least of my concerns. I am actually doing quite well when I can channel my focus and produce. What I am most concerned with is myself. I appear to be floating in a realm of disconnectedness lately that is frustrating. Every day that goes by I feel less and less sure of my life direction. With each moment I find myself more unsure of what I should be doing, where I should go, how the hell I am going to get anywhere.

I feel that my life is coloured in shades of Ryerson all over again - and that makes me afraid. I don't want to lose myself in the sea of stimulation again so that I cannot find my identity or keep myself under control. I don't want to wait out my weeks until the weekend when I can use social oblivion to heal all wounds. I want to feel satisfied ... I want my contentedness back.

There is much going on these days. My cousin who is sick and has to face some major challenges and I feel far away and helpless to console her. My friends who recently announced that they are expecting their first child and I realize how far away I am from anything remotely that spectacular. My confusing interest in someone and the angst it brings despite my best attempts at clarity. My recent realizations that I don't have a lot of "real life" experience in SO many ways that I feel small and unprepared and, at the same time, tired of "hiding" in school.

I know navel-gazing and self-indulgent posts like this are a pain. It's really just that time of the month ... welcome to November.