Birthday Blues

I was SO excited for my birthday this year. My first "real" party on the east coast with a collection of friends that I had finally acquired. We hadn't had a party in awhile and it just felt like it was going to be "the best". And things started to unravel - in my mind. The week leading up to the party was an intense brain bender of writing. I had isolated myself to do my writing and it made me kind of loopy.

On the day of the party I had 6 hours of class (including two presentations) to get through before the good times could begin. But the day had a weird cast on it. I didn't hear from anyone. I wasn't sure how things were going to be. And then the snow came and I became positive that it was all going to fall apart. What can I say - I am a paranoid skeptic about valuable relationships in my life. Class finished and I went off to my scheduled hair appointment to look pretty and get my "rock star" vibe going for the event. But the hair was a disaster. It had to go. I had to undo the 1950s prom curls and start from scratch. And this made me feel pressed for time. I hadn't decorated yet. I hadn't eaten yet. And yet I pushed off into the snow to try and get things going. But my heart was feeling heavy before it even began. Why do I do this to myself? By the time I had gulped (and I do mean gulped!!!) my third double drink I was toast. My brain had seized to make any sense but it wasn't doing me any favours either.

The party was a success. It was full of happy people and good cheer. There was a fabulous cake. There were smiles and laughs and funny poses. But at times I felt lost. Surrounded by love and still alone. And it made me crazy. There is something in the air that is putting me on edge now. It is the realization that everything is about to change. I am actually going to graduate. I am leaving this place behind. I have no idea what I am doing next.

And so I woke up on my birthday and I felt weird. A mild hangover but more of am emotional hangover. A lingering feeling that all was not well behind the happy face of birthday goodness. And then I felt bad. Sad that I had done that to my friends who had provided me with SO much on my special day. Sad that I was letting the good things in my life turn into problems. Why do I do that? This year was the first I felt old on my birthday.