A Sunny View

I thought it was time to post another pic of my niece as I have been negligent about that. It is that second child curse of there always being fewer pics in the album. But there is something about her fairy-like face that makes me calm inside. And calm is what I need. The last two weeks have been a whirlwind of stress, illness, sleep deprivation and mental acrobatics. I have been so tired. And so messed up. And not sure which way was UP so it seemed best to stay horizontal - a lot. But I woke up this morning finally feeling rested. One more major deliverable (god! I am starting to hate that word!) done for school. Only three big steps left in the next two weeks and the MBA commitment is done. And knowing that feels sort of like this image of Maebe - a sense of wonderment of looking out of window and smiling at the view. I am still not sure what the view entails and that is still freaking me out but I am looking again. I am sitting up - for a couple of days at least. I am not kidding myself that the next week will be easy. I have, as usual, procrastinated myself a stuffed plate that it will be a challenge to finish. But I have joy in my darling niece to see me through. Sunshine and smiles CAN save you.

The State of Things

"She keeps working to make connections but the pile of near misses is starting to overwhelm her. What she needs is an omniscient voice to illuminate and spotlight her. And to inform everyone that this one has value. And then to find her counterpart and bring him to her."

This is the opening to the movie Shopgirl. This is how my days feel.

Tudor Style

In the last year I heard a lot about "The Tudors". With the dreamy Jonathan Rhys-Meyers headlining the Showtime series as Henry VIII it was hard not to stare at the TV promos about the show. But it was not until this weekend that I finally got around to checking out the eye candy. Long weekends are always very good for such pursuits especially when the Season 1 box set is only 10 episodes long.

"The Tudors" is by no means perfect. It is choppy. It takes wide creative license on history. It isn't even well-written at times. And it clearly uses its occassional steaminess to compensate for these sins. Luckily, this trade-off works. If one is willing to surrender to the soapiness of "The Tudors" then the weaknesses seem to disappear behind leather boots and heaving bosoms. Not to mention the fact that the series is populated with seriously beautiful people. (At this moment it behooves me to mention my new crushworthiness: Henry Cavill!)

But I think what really makes the show successful is the performance level. The characters are wonderfully created. Rhys-Meyer's Henry is egotistical but conflicted. Catherine of Aragon is portrayed with an enviable steeliness that you can't help but find believable. The series' Anne Boleyn is a wonderful mix of political pawn and passionate paramour. And Sam Neill is incredible as Cardinal Wolsey offering a peformance that anchors the season with its depth.

Admittedly I spent my viewing time surfing wikipedia to check out the inconsistencies but that might make it more fun for some. And for the rest of you, just kick back and enjoy because "The Tudors" is a tale worth retelling.

Birthday Blues

I was SO excited for my birthday this year. My first "real" party on the east coast with a collection of friends that I had finally acquired. We hadn't had a party in awhile and it just felt like it was going to be "the best". And things started to unravel - in my mind. The week leading up to the party was an intense brain bender of writing. I had isolated myself to do my writing and it made me kind of loopy.

On the day of the party I had 6 hours of class (including two presentations) to get through before the good times could begin. But the day had a weird cast on it. I didn't hear from anyone. I wasn't sure how things were going to be. And then the snow came and I became positive that it was all going to fall apart. What can I say - I am a paranoid skeptic about valuable relationships in my life. Class finished and I went off to my scheduled hair appointment to look pretty and get my "rock star" vibe going for the event. But the hair was a disaster. It had to go. I had to undo the 1950s prom curls and start from scratch. And this made me feel pressed for time. I hadn't decorated yet. I hadn't eaten yet. And yet I pushed off into the snow to try and get things going. But my heart was feeling heavy before it even began. Why do I do this to myself? By the time I had gulped (and I do mean gulped!!!) my third double drink I was toast. My brain had seized to make any sense but it wasn't doing me any favours either.

The party was a success. It was full of happy people and good cheer. There was a fabulous cake. There were smiles and laughs and funny poses. But at times I felt lost. Surrounded by love and still alone. And it made me crazy. There is something in the air that is putting me on edge now. It is the realization that everything is about to change. I am actually going to graduate. I am leaving this place behind. I have no idea what I am doing next.

And so I woke up on my birthday and I felt weird. A mild hangover but more of am emotional hangover. A lingering feeling that all was not well behind the happy face of birthday goodness. And then I felt bad. Sad that I had done that to my friends who had provided me with SO much on my special day. Sad that I was letting the good things in my life turn into problems. Why do I do that? This year was the first I felt old on my birthday.

Tag Turns Three

Happy Birthday to my nephew today ... he turns 3!!! I think my sister-in-law is a bit freaked out that she has a 3-year-old but for me I can't believe he is only 3 because if feels like he has been in our lives forever. The little monkey has been a constant source of smiles, laughs and hugs for me. Of course he has moments of screaming brat-ness but then he gets all wiggly cute again and it's a decent trade-off. I miss him. I hear he gets to celebrate twice as he is heading up to see Nana & Nono later this month. I hope this birthday for him is a happy one.

Dealing with Me

I often think that I am a pain in the ass and a little bit crazy. These days, as my school anxiety is hitting the roof, I have to take some time to reflect on my personality and mitigate the trouble spots.

I have my "personality" profile information that I sometimes use to diffuse my angst. I am a solid INTJ - and while I haven't completely figured out how to leverage my skills they are there.

Then this time around I found an interesting website that had a list of things to keep in mind when dealing with someone like ME - and they rang true. So as I am about to go off the deep-end it is probably helpful for my friends and coworkers to keep these in mind...

Be willing to back up your statements with facts - or at least some pretty sound reasoning.

Try not to be repetitive. It annoys them.

Do not feed them a line of bull.

Expect debate. INTJs like to tear ideas apart and prove their worthiness. They will even argue a point they don't actually support for the sake of argument.

Do not mistake the strength of your conviction with the strength of your argument. INTJs do not need to believe in a position to argue it or argue it well. Therefore, it will take more than fervor to sway them.

Do not be surprised at sarcasm.

Remember that INTJs believe in workable solutions. They are extremely open-minded to possibilities, but they will quickly discard any idea that is unfeasible. INTJ open-mindedness means that they are willing to have a go at an idea by trying to pull it apart. This horrifies people who expect oohs and ahhs and reverence. The ultimate INTJ insult to an idea is to ignore it, because that means it's not even interesting enough to deconstruct.

Do not expect INTJs to actually care about how you view them. They already know that they are arrogant bastards with a morbid sense of humor. Telling them the obvious accomplishes nothing.

Rosebuds

If I had to declare a preferred subject for my photography these days it would be rosebuds. I love the dried, shrivelled and expressive bods twisting on spikey stems. There is a hedge of rose bushes by a local school that has become a favourite place of mine. Recent treasures:

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2 Weeks and Counting ...

As usual I find myself being reflective in the weeks leading up to my birthday. Two weeks till I turn 33. As I look back through this blog I realize that it has (unplanned) become a chronicle of my 30s thus far. I began my online ramblings a few weeks before my 30th birthday and have attempted to keep up-to-date since then. So now I am about to celebrate my 33rd year of life and I am not quite sure what to make of it all.

I came to Halifax with a particular plan in mind and that plan lays in tatters behind me on paths I did not take and on detours I found. I am four weeks away from confirming my graduation status with a thesis still to write, two courses worth of deliverables to complete and a job to satisfy. I don't feel secure that I can do it and yet I see no other choice - what a corner I have painted for myself. If I look back to my young adulthood and the impressions I had about what my life would be at 33 I find no similarities. I have no relationship. I have not started a family. I don't own a home. I have not begun my career.

This view sounds depressing doesn't it? But I am not depressed. My life feels more connected and secure than it has in ages - in spite of the change and ambiguity on the horizon. I am happier now than I have been in the last couple of years. I have taken some hard knocks and I am getting over most of that now. Some days I catch myself just smiling for no reason. And while there are still many things I would like to do that I cannot figure out how to achieve there is a frisson of potential in the air that I had forgotten. I must remind myself to carry this energy into my birthday wishes to bless the opportunities that can arise in year 34.