What a Great Guy!

I was at a conference dinner last night and the discussion turned to how my table mates were getting home. I explained that The Boyfriend was coming to pick me up.

"What a great guy" the man next to me exclaimed.

When he found out that The Boyfriend was driving from our east end neighbourhood to the northern corner of Mississauga to get me he was more impressed: "What a great guy!"

And when it was revealed that The Boyfriend had done the same trek that morning to drop me off leaving him to face rush hour traffic on the way home the deal was sealed: "What a great guy!"

The truth is, The Boyfriend chauffered me because he needed the car that day. Why? Because he had a shift delivering meals to the infirm and elderly that day. That really does make him a great guy. On top of that, he booked us on a tropical vacation for a week. And even more gravy is that he has been looking after our home for the last month while I have been stressing myself silly trying to turn my contract job into a permanent one.

I cannot express how wonderful it is to come home and have dinner - with candles and wine - served to you day after day. It is the most amazing kind of support to have a partner who will hold you while you meltdown in anxiety and fear and remind you how awesome you are. It is a gift that I cherish when he illuminates my darkest corners with optimism.

Truly, What a Great Guy!

Taking a Breath

What a difference a year makes.

Last August I was living with my kick-ass roommate, Anna, in Nova Scotia. I was revelling in my second summer with The Boyfriend. My job was chaotic and exhausting but secure and rewarding. The biggest thing on my mind was how to best navigate The Boyfriend's shift work schedule to spend together and hopefully secure a date for "moving in together".

Fast Forward...

Here I am living in Canada's biggest smoke: Toronto. Work is consistent and interesting but only guaranteed until November. There is commuting now. The Boyfriend has left his east coast life and job behind and we are cozily established in probably the bestest rental house one could find.

It has been a whirlwhind of change that has been going non-stop for a year. Organizational change at my job started it all. Then I changed jobs on a very tight timeline. I have moved 3 times in the last 12 months. I left behind an entire section of my life experience and have been working at reclaiming a space in a whole other part. Relationship transition. Schedule changes. Health differences. An overall switch in perspective about the future. Whew! See that smile above? It isn't around as much anymore.

My breath has been stolen by the sheer momentum of life this year. As if I have been caught in a windstorm and the air in my lungs has been pulled out of me and carried away on a gust of some larger force.

My breath has been supressed under the weight of major transitions. As if I am underwater and I am unable to surface from the deluge of decisions and directions that must be considered.

My breath has escaped me in anxious gasps that never halt the unending stream of "what ifs?" rising in my chest each day.

My has breath has become trapped inside a glass cage that prevents me from enjoying the moments I am living. I can see the roses but I sure haven't been smelling them.

But recently some space seemed to open up. Some breathing space. So I need to stop moving so that I can catch it. I need to push up out of the water and inhale a fresh view. I need to relax my mind and count to 10. I need to take some time to absorb the present and the sweet perfume it brings.

It is not going to be easy. I realized this weekend that I have not been able to have a single dinner with The Boyfriend without turning it into a planning session. That sort of thing has to stop. It's time to just take a breath.

Reminder Notice: My Guy is Awesome

A couple of weeks ago I went out for dinner with my boyfriend. We had spent the day doing things that we loved (I gardened, he cycled) and late that evening we put on some nice clothes and went for a schmancy dinner together. We went to one of my favourite restaurants that makes mouth-watering goodies of all kinds. It is an instant YUM! place. I had wanted to do this dinner together as a moving celebration - but it never happened. So I thought we could do it for our anniversay - never happened. But that night - it happened - and I sat across the flickering candle light from my beau I had to smile.

My guy really is a most excellent man. His patience and kindness and love of me constantly amazes. I feel good around him - even when I feel my most useless in regard to the rest of the world. Those are nice feelings. But sometimes when I think of those feelings I can get made at myself for being a bad girlfriend. You see, I get anxiety over being a frustrated partner sometimes. I hate that I can be a negative nelly more than I want to be and yet it persists. Anyone who has met my boyfriend comments on his easy-going and welcoming nature. They will say: "How can anyone NOT like him?" Which means he is pretty awesome, no?

So why do I find myself focusing on the non-awesome? Why do I blanche at his tardiness rather than relish his carefree nature? Why do I bemoan his lacks in motivation and forget to celebrate his personal passions? Why do negate all the days he has done the dishes (which I loathe doing!) because of one day when they are not? Why do I complain about the forgotten toilet paper when he brought flowers back from the store?

I seem to have fallen into a trap and become that girl who never sees the good things. And then I go out for dinner and see the smile in my guy's eyes and I can't remember what I was worried about. Sometimes when I let my over-thinking get too far I will spew out a bunch of pent-up concerns and he will listen, calmly, and then tell me it will be alright. There is a plan. He will be there. How great is that?

I know that, overall, I am struggling with finding my relationship identity and that most of these stresses emerge from my own mind trying to reconcile with what I think should be happening with what is happening. I feel the need sometimes to shake my head free of the romantic notions swirling around and whispering to me that "a good relationship is...", "partnership means...", "the right man will..." when those constructs aren't real to the man I love and the partnership we are creating.

And so I try to be more positive about it all. To trust it more. To be able to enjoy a fabulous dinner with a special man who: does the dishes because I don't want to; wants to make our dreams come true; buys flowers for our home and, even though he might be late, will always be there for me.

Home Is Where The Start Is

So this is where it begins. My boyfriend arrives today. YAY! After three months of long distance and three weeks of moving preparation anxiety he will be finally be here. The very thought of it fills my brain with girlie giggles about our upcoming together-ness. I cannot help thinking about how his arrival marks the start of the next stage of our lives. We have left our east coast setting behind. We are embarking on new career paths. We are consolidating our lives into the little house below.


And of course I am completely freaked out. Yes, it is true. While my life has been relatively simple this past month - work, commute, eat, read, sleep, repeat - my boyfriend has been sorting and packing the elements of our life in a frenzy. We decided to take an economical approach which forced a drastic purge in our belongings. Purging is not my boyfriend's strong suit. Leaving the fate of my personal effects in the hands of others is not my forte. And so the last couple of weeks have not been the easiest on either of us.

But his three-day road trip is coming to end now and I will be able to open the little UHaul trailer and see what has made it to this part of the country. We still have things stashed away in basement corners of Nova Scotia, but we will deal with that headache later. Yes, later. One thing at a time. Today I get to welcome him HOME. Today is when it starts.

Joy Stuck

Life has taken some dramatic turns in the past few months. After my relocation for work and organizing a long-distance relationship, we have found an apartment to rent and are now madly planning his relocation back to me. This should be a time filled with joy. I have, instead, filled it with anxiety. My boyfriend, not so much. You see, we are very different people when it comes to dealing with, well, anything.

The picture to the left explains it all. If, by chance, we were held captive by a giant pre-historic slothbeast then our behaviour would be thus:

Him: hahaha! Giant slothbeast. Well this is in unfortunate. High Five to the sloth.

Me: gah! Giant slothbeast. This is the worst thing ever. I must mope about it.

Our current situation is a real-life slothbeast. And I have to admit that in the past two months I have not been the best girlfriend. I have been the mopey girlfriend and I am strangling the happy-go-lucky-high-fives from my relationship. I know that I am overwhelmed by the fast-pace of change and the ever-growing pile of unknowns in my future. The stimulating aura of 'the new' has faded away leaving me alone in a dark tunnel of 'what-ifs'. And it makes me a bad girlfriend. It makes me sulky on the phone with my boyfriend who doesn't deserve such negative vibes ALL the time. And I hate it. I hate that my JOY is stuck!

I understand that one source of my frustration is in the planning for change. When planning is involved I see the entire staircase. I see ALL the potential steps of a process as they ascend into the distance. Right now I see soooo many steps that they make the destination feel very far away. My boyfriend sees the steps as a one step after another. He tackles each step as it arrives. There is an obvious tension between people who build staircases and those who tackle steps. I have been letting this difference generate more negative feelings that it should. A good partnership has balance. It requires both. We will be successful in tackling the challenges ahead because we do it differently.

So the goal now is to unstick the joy. To release it back into the vast opportunities that are coming our way. To revel in the good fortune we have to be together. That is a positive start. One step at a time.

Boyfriend Trip

My boyfriend arrived today for a 5-day visit. Last night I couldn't sleep at all due to an annoying mixture of excitement and anxiety. Excitement sounds right. But anxiety? Stupid me. But that is the way it is for me these days. I spend equal parts on the happy train chugging through the days towards a future with a general blueprint and the anxiety plane spiralling through turbulent fears of unrealized potential and income stress. Add to this scenario the fact that I am in my first long-distance relationship (first relationship period!) and it could make for more sleepness nights if I wasn't so tired.

So, yeah, my boyfriend arrived today. And it was awesome. Because he is awesome. He can somehow manage both my excited and anxious expressions without breaking a sweat and calms me into a satisfied state of feeling loved. After a full morning of text messages I could finally leave the office at lunch and get to see him. To hug and kiss him. It was almost too much for my brain to handle because it has never had to prossess that kind of information before. It seems like technology can now keep us instantly in contact but it will never be the same as actual closeness.


I was desparetly unhappy with the distance situation by the end of my first week in Ontario. The feeling was augmented by the fact that I had no idea when we would be seeing each other next and it appeared like Easter (two months away at that time) would be the only chance. And that sucked. Eight weeks of waiting sucked. So I got pushy and, thankfully, the airlines got cheap and we ended up with him coming here in March and me going back to Halifax at Easter. Whew! Eight weeks was quickly cut in half and I could feel myself relax. I could now handle the distance because I knew it would end soon. I had a date on the calendar that I could look forward to. It is amazing how much of a difference that made.

And now he is here. And we have five days together. I know there will be moments on the perfect happy train. I know there will be moments on the crazy anxiety plane. But at least I get to hold his hand now on the ride.

Lovely Surprise (with Tears on the Side)

One of the things I love the most about loving someone is when you get surprised. I woke up the day after moving to Ontario for work and found the poem below in my boyfriend's facebook status. It's sweetness and quality surprised me. And, yeah, it made me cry.

The morning after will not be bright, for the great Pisces did take her flight, into Darkness and out of sight. The Sun will shine but not the light, of my Raye who went to fight, concrete Jungle of big and might. And the River pours throughout the night.