Garden Gone

"I love the fall. I love it because of the smells that you speak of; and also because things are dying, things that you don't have to take care of anymore, and the grass stops growing."
- Mark Van Doren

As the fall moved into its dreary days I let the gardens go. I didn't feel up to spending a wet day in the mulchy backyard. And as the days got shorter I found myself with little daylight to work in the garden after work. The weekends were busy and I stopped paying attention to my green labours. I had cut the herbs weeks before. The cucumber had stopped growing. The day lillies were turning into limp yellow strands slumbering on the earth. Only the tomatoes soldiered on. Now crawling across the neighbouring trees to support their 9-foot height, the tomatoes grew. Until the morning when the temperature was more than they could bear.

"The third day comes a frost, a killing frost.
- William Shakespeare

Finally, I found some time to deal with the garden. In a gift of unseasonable warmth and sunshine I spent the day cutting and clearing. I dug out the wilted annuals that my mom and I had planted in the spring. I clawed out the weeds that had enroached into the dirt due to my negligence. I raked the away the leaves and scraped the dirt back into protective piles over the sleeping bulbs waiting for newxt year.


In the backyard the task was long. I had to say goodbye to the gigantic green hosta that had sprung up as a surprise only to dominate the right side of the yard. I had to remove the dead hibiscus that I somehow killed over the season. I emptied the mint pot to find the soil had become a bundle of mint roots wrapped around each other in a circle. And I had to remove the tomatoes. The great green giants were toppled! But one little plant did not want to say good bye. Somehow a purple annual that my mom had bought was still in full bloom and clinging to the edge of the flowerbed with an incredible will. I thought about keeping it there, letting it live out its last few weeks ...


... but I hated the idea of the snow taking it in a slow tortuous death through frost bite. Instead I ripped it free and sent it to its composty grave with the friends it had summered with all year.

In the end, the yard looked much like it did when I moved in last April. A barren space just waiting for some love. I reset all the stones along the border and cleaned out the debris. I raked the dirt to make sure all the day lillies were covered for their winter rest.


Now I can leave it with peace of mind. I have done my work. Now I can turn my attention to planning for the spring ahead and the new projects that may unfold in my garden space.

"If I'm ever reborn, I want to be a gardener — there's too much to do for one lifetime!"
- Karl Foerster

And the Universe Smiled

Today could have been a horrible day. It could have been a sad, depressing, scary, anxious kind of day. It could have been the end of something great and the start of a big, black hole of "OMG! what now?!" Today could have been the last day of my work contract and the end of my paycheque.

But it wasn't!

Oh no! Instead, today was the LAST day of worry, fear, and anxiety. Today was the turning point of a long 10-month road to achieving stability. Today my job moved from the precarious contract stage into the precious permanent stage. Today, the gamble I took when I quit my previous job and moved to Toronto paid off. Whew!

The sigh of relief may have been heard around the world. I signed my offer letter and I felt every muscle in my body relax. The stone necklace of stress that I had been carrying all year melted away from around my neck. The release was instant and in a flash my joy was back.

The world now has a light within it that seemed to have faded away over the fall. It is the light of promise. With stable employment, The Boyfriend and I can plan for some of the bigger things in life. My financial security makes it easier for him to work on his own career transition and we know the rent will still get paid. The position comes with benefits and a pension and lots of other great "grown-up" things that I suddenly find myself wanting. I don't think I can say YAY! enough.

On top of it all, I really like the job. I get to use my skills and work with interesting stakeholders and provide interesting experiences to youth. It is a dream sort of position to be able to do non-profit style work but get a decent paycheque for it. So YAY! again.

YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY!

What a Great Guy!

I was at a conference dinner last night and the discussion turned to how my table mates were getting home. I explained that The Boyfriend was coming to pick me up.

"What a great guy" the man next to me exclaimed.

When he found out that The Boyfriend was driving from our east end neighbourhood to the northern corner of Mississauga to get me he was more impressed: "What a great guy!"

And when it was revealed that The Boyfriend had done the same trek that morning to drop me off leaving him to face rush hour traffic on the way home the deal was sealed: "What a great guy!"

The truth is, The Boyfriend chauffered me because he needed the car that day. Why? Because he had a shift delivering meals to the infirm and elderly that day. That really does make him a great guy. On top of that, he booked us on a tropical vacation for a week. And even more gravy is that he has been looking after our home for the last month while I have been stressing myself silly trying to turn my contract job into a permanent one.

I cannot express how wonderful it is to come home and have dinner - with candles and wine - served to you day after day. It is the most amazing kind of support to have a partner who will hold you while you meltdown in anxiety and fear and remind you how awesome you are. It is a gift that I cherish when he illuminates my darkest corners with optimism.

Truly, What a Great Guy!

Starry Saturday

Sometimes living in a city like Toronto can surprise you. When you are not even expecting it you can stumble upon a red carpet event. Such was the case last night when my walk home turned into star watching outside the Elgin & Winter Garden Theatre.

Yonge street was barricaded and a crowd had gathered. My mind was elsewhere so I was not really thinking of the date. But it did not take long to realize that the event was the Geminis. Yes, the event that rewards the best in Canadian television was going down and I was able to sneak into the second line of observers right at the entrance point.

My first catch was Mark Taylor. He is currently staring in "Flashpoint", a show that do actually enjoy. It is a cop procedural and is really well done. I must say that Mark is quite handsome in person. Truthfully, it was cool to be close to a homegrown star from one of my favourite Canadian guilty pleasures: "Instant Star". Squeeee!!


Next up was Enrico Colantoni. In spite of his roles on "Flashpoint" and "Just Shoot Me", he will always be Keith Mars to me. Does this mean I am officially only one degree of separation from Logan Echolls?


Sadly, I only had my blackberry with me so the picture quality was none-to-great. And while my location was perfect, the bright lights at the entrance did not help me get decent photos of the other Canadian stars going by including: the current cast of Degrassi (yay Snake!), the Dragons from CBC's Dragon's Den and Shaun Majumder.

Then the crowd along the street went crazy! Excited screams for tween throats echoed into the air and Cory Monteith arrived. Yes, the lovable singing jock from mega-hit "Glee" - who was hosting the night's event - arrived right in front of me.


He is obviously cute. And a total trooper when it came to giving the fans his time. He signed and took pictures. He hung out by the gals waving "Glee" foam fingers in the air. It was a treat to see him being accessible and funny and kind. Go Canadian talent. For me, it was just interesting to see someone in the flesh who I had last seen on the (controversial) cover of GQ Magazine! And that lopsided grin? In full force.


In the end I took so many pics in such succession that I burnt out the screen of my blackberry. No long term damage, just a momentary glitch in the operations, but the problem caused me to leave my spot in the crowd and head home. I packed in my star watching and it wasn't until today that I realized who I had missed. After my departure, Nina Dobrev arrived. Yes, the Canadian ex-Degrassi star who is now kicking ass on my favourite show "The Vampire Diaries". She was there and I missed her. Oh well, I guess sometimes in a city like Toronto you really never know what will happen.

60 Days and Counting...

When I began my apparel diet two months ago I wasn't sure what to expect. I had been shopping so consistently and for so long that I could not fathom my time without that pursuit. As it turns out, I am doing rather well.

Luckily, the diet allows for the occassional sweets (accessories!) and vitamins (underwear, socks, bras). Still, in 61 days all I have purchased is a new hat for the winter (pictured right). In fact, I was getting very discouraged trying to find a new hat this season and lamented the loss of all thress of my winter hats from last year. I get cold ears inthe winter and I need something warm to stave off the ear-ache-chill but not mess up my hair in the process. Oh joy! when I found this stretchy ball of comfort and was sold. And, the purchase wasn't even breaking the rules!

To be honest, I do miss my mall time. This month I took my shopping to a vicarious level while searching for The Boyfriend's birthday gifts. If I'm not getting new clothes he darn well is! I over-shopped completely and had to return a few items. I still ended up giving him more than necessary but it was my only shot at buying a whole new outfit! Also, he looked really good in it all so really it was like a double-gift for me and I didn't have to go off the diet.

It has been difficult to see all the lovely fall sweaters show up inthe stores. I'm a sucker for cheap cashmere! I know I haven't kicked the shopping spree out of me yet but at the end of this month I'm feeling pretty chuffed about my restraint. Who would of bought that?

Autumn Blossoms

My mom bought me a GIANT fall mum for our yard. It took me forever to find a place where it would fit - which was the empty corner next to the back steps. But it is a perfect seasonal auburn and pretty darn lovely in the morning sunshine. Behold!

Oh So Not Zen

Nothing paralyzes me more than really wanting something. The pure desire of a specific outcome is enough to turn my brain into a cement block and my body into insolent jelly. The outward manifestation is pure freak-out procrastination.

These days the challenge is resume writing. My current job is only a contract. A contract that is ending in 30 days. Ouch! With only a month of guaranteed employment ahead of me I have begun to panic. Internally at first. Then in a stream of word-vomit confessionals to anyone silly enough to ask about work. Now I am trapped inside a mind-f*ck merry-go-round that is equal parts smug and scared stupid.

From a rational point of view I can see myself. I am easily qualified and successfully contributing to my job. I have a lot to offer. I am the living embodiment of the job descriptions I am reading. But staring at those sentences I can feel my insides shrinking. The feeling that I can do the job makes the application feel questionalbe. The fact that I need a job makes the doors of opportunity turn into walls. The sense that I really want a specific job sling-shots the position into the stratosphere of doubt.

And then the paralysis arrives. My brain gets stuck. My eyes swim. My body recoils from the tasks of writing and typing and editing. The more I think I can the less I move. The more I want to get there the farther away it feels. If only I could accept my fate. Be a little bit zen about the whole thing. A meditative state. That sounds nice.

An Autumn Weekend

Since moving to Toronto I am often confronted with comments abut the horrors of living in the city. And while I am not immune to the frustrations that come with life in an urban centre I know that The Boyfriend and I have picked the absolutely best place to live. Anyone who spent the Thanksgiving weekend with me would have learned how its not so bad.

Friday Night - October 8th
Dining al fresco on our backyard deck. Fresh BBQ steak, salad featuring garden grown tomatoes and Niagara red wine.

Saturday - October 9th
We took our bikes to the Don Valley and crusied along the path in the late afternoon sun.

Sunday - October 10th
Before the day was in full swing, The Boyfriend was off to the airport to travel home for his family's Thanksgiving. This was the view across the street from our place in the morning.

Monday - October 11th
I had a full day to myself and the warm weather continued. I took the trek down Lake Ontario's eastern shore towards the Scarborough bluffs. Almost had me believing I was back at the ocean.Ahhhhh....