Nothing paralyzes me more than really wanting something. The pure desire of a specific outcome is enough to turn my brain into a cement block and my body into insolent jelly. The outward manifestation is pure freak-out procrastination.These days the challenge is resume writing. My current job is only a contract. A contract that is ending in 30 days. Ouch! With only a month of guaranteed employment ahead of me I have begun to panic. Internally at first. Then in a stream of word-vomit confessionals to anyone silly enough to ask about work. Now I am trapped inside a mind-f*ck merry-go-round that is equal parts smug and scared stupid.
From a rational point of view I can see myself. I am easily qualified and successfully contributing to my job. I have a lot to offer. I am the living embodiment of the job descriptions I am reading. But staring at those sentences I can feel my insides shrinking. The feeling that I can do the job makes the application feel questionalbe. The fact that I need a job makes the doors of opportunity turn into walls. The sense that I really want a specific job sling-shots the position into the stratosphere of doubt.
And then the paralysis arrives. My brain gets stuck. My eyes swim. My body recoils from the tasks of writing and typing and editing. The more I think I can the less I move. The more I want to get there the farther away it feels. If only I could accept my fate. Be a little bit zen about the whole thing. A meditative state. That sounds nice.
1 comment:
If you could be zen, then you wouldn't be you! Maybe you should try for a more attainable goal, more in line with who you are? Of course you'll feel the panic, but can you channel it somehow?
(Says a frequently panicky and only rarely successful channeller.)
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