Autumn Blossoms

My mom bought me a GIANT fall mum for our yard. It took me forever to find a place where it would fit - which was the empty corner next to the back steps. But it is a perfect seasonal auburn and pretty darn lovely in the morning sunshine. Behold!

Oh So Not Zen

Nothing paralyzes me more than really wanting something. The pure desire of a specific outcome is enough to turn my brain into a cement block and my body into insolent jelly. The outward manifestation is pure freak-out procrastination.

These days the challenge is resume writing. My current job is only a contract. A contract that is ending in 30 days. Ouch! With only a month of guaranteed employment ahead of me I have begun to panic. Internally at first. Then in a stream of word-vomit confessionals to anyone silly enough to ask about work. Now I am trapped inside a mind-f*ck merry-go-round that is equal parts smug and scared stupid.

From a rational point of view I can see myself. I am easily qualified and successfully contributing to my job. I have a lot to offer. I am the living embodiment of the job descriptions I am reading. But staring at those sentences I can feel my insides shrinking. The feeling that I can do the job makes the application feel questionalbe. The fact that I need a job makes the doors of opportunity turn into walls. The sense that I really want a specific job sling-shots the position into the stratosphere of doubt.

And then the paralysis arrives. My brain gets stuck. My eyes swim. My body recoils from the tasks of writing and typing and editing. The more I think I can the less I move. The more I want to get there the farther away it feels. If only I could accept my fate. Be a little bit zen about the whole thing. A meditative state. That sounds nice.

An Autumn Weekend

Since moving to Toronto I am often confronted with comments abut the horrors of living in the city. And while I am not immune to the frustrations that come with life in an urban centre I know that The Boyfriend and I have picked the absolutely best place to live. Anyone who spent the Thanksgiving weekend with me would have learned how its not so bad.

Friday Night - October 8th
Dining al fresco on our backyard deck. Fresh BBQ steak, salad featuring garden grown tomatoes and Niagara red wine.

Saturday - October 9th
We took our bikes to the Don Valley and crusied along the path in the late afternoon sun.

Sunday - October 10th
Before the day was in full swing, The Boyfriend was off to the airport to travel home for his family's Thanksgiving. This was the view across the street from our place in the morning.

Monday - October 11th
I had a full day to myself and the warm weather continued. I took the trek down Lake Ontario's eastern shore towards the Scarborough bluffs. Almost had me believing I was back at the ocean.Ahhhhh....

Thank You

A year ago I was moving - in a mad, last-minute rush - into The Boyfriend's apartment. Two days later I was on stress-leave from my job and scampering back to Ontario for a refill of familial and friendly love. It was a tipping point in my universe. Like a rock finally overcoming its inertia and toppling down a hill a new momentum began.

Looking back it is easy to see that my universe is a beautiful place. My world is stuffed with an abundance of gifts in the people I know, the places I explore and the activities I enjoy. While I often whine about the changes I have faced this year I must acknowledge the growth that has taken place in my life and the people around me who have given so much to make it happen.

Thank you to Jodi for listening to my needs and always believing that I have more to offer the world. Thank you for setting me up in a job that forced me make a change and bring me closer to the life I always wanted. Thank you for still being an ear to my frustrations and fears even as you are embedded in the depths of your own. Your friendship is boundless and I am grateful be on the receiving end of it.

Thank you to my brother and his family for opening your home to me last winter. Thank you for feeding me so much tasty goodness. Thank you for letting me become a part of your daily lives and for sharing so much time with my niece and nephew. I have been so joyed to rebuild my connection to you and I appreciate your generosity more than I can say.

Thank you to my Toronto friends for welcoming me back to the area and filling me social calendar. Thank you for accepting The Boyfriend with warmth and support. Thank you for keeping the challenges of change at bay with solid doses of nostalgia.

In particular thank you to the Kat and Scott for inspiring me with your honesty and strength. Your verve for life in the face of struggle is a power that I wish we could bottle and sell to the masses. You make the world a better place. Fight on!

Thank you to my parents who continue to be the featherbed of support in my existence. Your generosity has always known no bounds but being able to see you more often makes it easier to be on the receiving end of your gifts.

Thank you to The Boyfriend. All of it is easier and more enjoyable because of you. Thank you for your positivity in tackling obstacles. Thank you for knowing that sometimes I just need to freak out/worry/over-analyze and for giving me the space to do that. Thank you for doing the dishes SO often and for tackling a road trip just to get us a dishwasher! Thank you for diving into a whole new life to be with me. I am in awe of that gift everyday. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Overall, thank you to the forces of luck and serendipity who have always worked within my life. Last-minute job opportunity. Cheapest flight to Mexico ever! House rental in the Beach. This year the gifts were particularly well-played.

Thank you.

Cleaving Clavicles

If there is one thing that drives me crazy about the "thin-ification" of movie stars it is the bony clavicle. All those fancy dress straps that rest on those protuding lines. Those deep hollows between the neck and the shoulders. This look is so foreign to my physcial reality. To the reality I have seen in the healthy women around me. I just wanted to point it out.