Autumn Blossoms

My mom bought me a GIANT fall mum for our yard. It took me forever to find a place where it would fit - which was the empty corner next to the back steps. But it is a perfect seasonal auburn and pretty darn lovely in the morning sunshine. Behold!

Oh So Not Zen

Nothing paralyzes me more than really wanting something. The pure desire of a specific outcome is enough to turn my brain into a cement block and my body into insolent jelly. The outward manifestation is pure freak-out procrastination.

These days the challenge is resume writing. My current job is only a contract. A contract that is ending in 30 days. Ouch! With only a month of guaranteed employment ahead of me I have begun to panic. Internally at first. Then in a stream of word-vomit confessionals to anyone silly enough to ask about work. Now I am trapped inside a mind-f*ck merry-go-round that is equal parts smug and scared stupid.

From a rational point of view I can see myself. I am easily qualified and successfully contributing to my job. I have a lot to offer. I am the living embodiment of the job descriptions I am reading. But staring at those sentences I can feel my insides shrinking. The feeling that I can do the job makes the application feel questionalbe. The fact that I need a job makes the doors of opportunity turn into walls. The sense that I really want a specific job sling-shots the position into the stratosphere of doubt.

And then the paralysis arrives. My brain gets stuck. My eyes swim. My body recoils from the tasks of writing and typing and editing. The more I think I can the less I move. The more I want to get there the farther away it feels. If only I could accept my fate. Be a little bit zen about the whole thing. A meditative state. That sounds nice.

An Autumn Weekend

Since moving to Toronto I am often confronted with comments abut the horrors of living in the city. And while I am not immune to the frustrations that come with life in an urban centre I know that The Boyfriend and I have picked the absolutely best place to live. Anyone who spent the Thanksgiving weekend with me would have learned how its not so bad.

Friday Night - October 8th
Dining al fresco on our backyard deck. Fresh BBQ steak, salad featuring garden grown tomatoes and Niagara red wine.

Saturday - October 9th
We took our bikes to the Don Valley and crusied along the path in the late afternoon sun.

Sunday - October 10th
Before the day was in full swing, The Boyfriend was off to the airport to travel home for his family's Thanksgiving. This was the view across the street from our place in the morning.

Monday - October 11th
I had a full day to myself and the warm weather continued. I took the trek down Lake Ontario's eastern shore towards the Scarborough bluffs. Almost had me believing I was back at the ocean.Ahhhhh....

Thank You

A year ago I was moving - in a mad, last-minute rush - into The Boyfriend's apartment. Two days later I was on stress-leave from my job and scampering back to Ontario for a refill of familial and friendly love. It was a tipping point in my universe. Like a rock finally overcoming its inertia and toppling down a hill a new momentum began.

Looking back it is easy to see that my universe is a beautiful place. My world is stuffed with an abundance of gifts in the people I know, the places I explore and the activities I enjoy. While I often whine about the changes I have faced this year I must acknowledge the growth that has taken place in my life and the people around me who have given so much to make it happen.

Thank you to Jodi for listening to my needs and always believing that I have more to offer the world. Thank you for setting me up in a job that forced me make a change and bring me closer to the life I always wanted. Thank you for still being an ear to my frustrations and fears even as you are embedded in the depths of your own. Your friendship is boundless and I am grateful be on the receiving end of it.

Thank you to my brother and his family for opening your home to me last winter. Thank you for feeding me so much tasty goodness. Thank you for letting me become a part of your daily lives and for sharing so much time with my niece and nephew. I have been so joyed to rebuild my connection to you and I appreciate your generosity more than I can say.

Thank you to my Toronto friends for welcoming me back to the area and filling me social calendar. Thank you for accepting The Boyfriend with warmth and support. Thank you for keeping the challenges of change at bay with solid doses of nostalgia.

In particular thank you to the Kat and Scott for inspiring me with your honesty and strength. Your verve for life in the face of struggle is a power that I wish we could bottle and sell to the masses. You make the world a better place. Fight on!

Thank you to my parents who continue to be the featherbed of support in my existence. Your generosity has always known no bounds but being able to see you more often makes it easier to be on the receiving end of your gifts.

Thank you to The Boyfriend. All of it is easier and more enjoyable because of you. Thank you for your positivity in tackling obstacles. Thank you for knowing that sometimes I just need to freak out/worry/over-analyze and for giving me the space to do that. Thank you for doing the dishes SO often and for tackling a road trip just to get us a dishwasher! Thank you for diving into a whole new life to be with me. I am in awe of that gift everyday. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Overall, thank you to the forces of luck and serendipity who have always worked within my life. Last-minute job opportunity. Cheapest flight to Mexico ever! House rental in the Beach. This year the gifts were particularly well-played.

Thank you.

Cleaving Clavicles

If there is one thing that drives me crazy about the "thin-ification" of movie stars it is the bony clavicle. All those fancy dress straps that rest on those protuding lines. Those deep hollows between the neck and the shoulders. This look is so foreign to my physcial reality. To the reality I have seen in the healthy women around me. I just wanted to point it out.

365 Days of Nothing New

Do you remember the last piece of clothing you bought? For me it ws this blue H&M dress on the left. I bought it during the last week of August and it was the final new clothing taste I have had since then. It has been 30 days.

On September 1st I went on a clothing diet. The goal is to go 365 days and buy any new clothes. The inspiration for the challenge is the "The Great American Apparel Diet" - a shopping sabbatical initiative that began in the U.S. in 2009. The "diet" kicked off its second year this September and I decided to follow along with my own attempt.

The rules of the apparel diet are as follows:

The things you can guzzle without guilt:

1. Clothes currently in your closet, on hooks, in your drawers or on your floor as long as they are not new.

2. Footwear

3. Accessories

4. Underwear—every girl should have a great pair of clean underwear on at all times.

Those items that are not allowed:

1. New clothes

“New” is anything that you pay for. An item is “not new,” if it something a person gives you (you cannot write a check to your husband or best friend and give them instructions or a wish list for your “must haves".)

A review of the Apparel Diet website reveals that women have as many reasons for quitting clothes shopping as they do for purchasing in the first place. Indulgence is like that I guess. For me the reason was twofold:

1. Financial. In the first half of 2010 I had spent over $1000 on clothes. When I lived in Australia - the purpose of which was to travel and explore - I still managed to flip my entrie wardrobe multiple times! For the last 10 years, my monthly average has been hovering around $200. Sometimes it is due to a couple of pricier purchases but most often it is the tally of WAY too many $30 grabs. Like snacking, my shopping can have an incremental effect and I was losing dollars the way one packs on calories from a series of poor choices.

2. Emotional. As much as I am an emotional eater, I am doubly an emotional shopper. Boredom. Happiness. Stress. Congratulatory. Lonely. Excited. Every emotion could be used as valid fuel for an apparel binge. Every event in life could be rationalized as a reason to buy something new. Through this process I have amassed piles of clothing over the years. I know that I have given more clothes away in the last year than many of my friends have purchased. And alot of what I have bought I did not need. Some of it I never wore. But the pure act of clothes shopping itself was enjoyable. This behaviour is, of course, the very essence of the shopaholic. I admit it. I need to find different outlets - not outlet malls! - for my feelings. So the best thing to do was remove the drug.

Which brings me to now. Thirty-days later. I have not cheated. The experience has made me re-evaluate the wardrobe I already possess. The stockpile of clothes crammed into my tiny closet has become its own department store. Yesterday I wore a jacket for the first time. A jacket I had bought in the spring of 2009! So onwards I go. Eleven months to go. I feel lighter already.

One Wedding

This past weekend I went to the wedding of my friend Cathy. We have been friends with each other for over 15 years. When we met the topic of conversation was "when to have sex with a boy" rather than when to marry one.

Yes, we are of the generation when the notion of matrimony was on a horizon far separate (and potentially distant) from the one of intercourse. At that time I don't think either of us was confident that marriage was going to be a part of the future at all. At 19, the institution of marriage; the idea of being married; the implications of matrimony all seemed like a iffy endeavour indeed. The binding construct of forever was practically unfathomable in those days of the now.

The years rolled by. I watched Cathy live through relationships and jobs, houses andd travels. She had her hands on all the LEGOS of life but nothing ever clicked into an aisle to walk down.

And then she met Gordon.

I think, if memory serves, that Gordon declared he was going to marry Cathy within the first three months they were dating. When I was home for Christmas last December it was the engagement that was the topic of much discussion. A wedding was on. The future was now. Forever had a start date. Click. Click. Click.

Then there they were. On a September autumn afternoon. The weather gods had kindly halted their spitball competition to allow for the ceremony to be held outdoors. The traditional silhouette of a man in black and a woman in white imprinted itself on a deck overlooking one of the Kawartha region's lakes. Pine needles whispered against painted leaves and silver water lapped against mottled stone. And Cathy, my dear friend, joined herself to the man she loves.


There are lots (too many?) romantic tales about finding "the one". But when you see a friend discover the truth of it you cannot deny the impact. Infinte congratulations to the newlywed couple.

Harvest Season

"In seed time learn, in harvest teach, in winter enjoy." - William Blake

So it was for me this summer. I spent the early days of spring pushing small sprouts into the bare ground just hoping they would survive the month. For my first season as a "gardener" I think I was rewarded a hundred-fold. I cannot say for sure what made the difference but I know that the early care I took to turn the soil, water consistently and prune the plants has helped to keep our backyard garden in production all summer. Even though the days are getting noticeably shorter, we still find robust cucumbers kissed by the morning sun.


Our collection of ripe tomatoes grows each day. All thanks to my mother for giving us the plants and the cages so that we could grow the tallest tomato plants EVER! We are blessed each day with a handful of red cherry tomatoes and plump yellow balls. I have to start thinking of new recipes so we can put all the tomatoes to use. Last week I concocted homemade tomato sauce for our pasta dinner. And we are still addicted to freshly chopped basil and tomato together - or on a cracker with a small spread of goat's cheese. Yummy!


I finally got around to cutting the herbs and have strung them up to dry for the winter. I missed out on our dill and corriander by letting them grow too long. but we still have a nice collection of thyme, rosemary and sage to use in the months ahead. I learned that those herbs that smell like spring need to be cut in summer but those with the hearty perfume of the fall will grow until that season. Next year I will remember and we will be able to add to the haul of herbs!


Lastly, I had to replant the front garden to get some colour for the fall. Not knowing what was going to sprout there in the spring I overloaded the bed with spring annuals. They had withered by August and the garden was filled with sad, brown stalks. Luckily, the fall mums were ready and I got the saturn coleus (a new favourite of mine) on sale! So the blue spring garden becomes a burgundy beauty for the rest of the season. It adds a touch of warmth to front of the house and will work well next month when we get the fall wreath and halloween pumpkin on display.


Once again I am reminded of the joy of having some outdoor space to call your own. I am reenergized by the project of keeping the gardens healthy and growing. I am happy to see its face change with the seasons. The Boyfriend is already making suggestions for next year. I guess that is another gift of gardening: the pleasure of perpetuity.